Milkman Test of Intelligence
SECTION A- Team direction analysis proficiency
Directions: Select one of the choices for each given scenario
1.
Your favorite football team is known for the past 10-15 years for its up-and-down rate of success from year to year and an unfortunate lack of postseason success. They have just fired their head coach. An old, well-respected head coach who has won a Super Bowl in the past two years is considering coming out of retirement to coach for your team. What is your reaction?
A) Excitement about the possibilities and expectations that the streak of mediocrity will end
B) A tempered reaction, but somewhat positive given the other coaching candidates available
C) Dismay, because this coach will not be good enough, or has demonstrated in the past that he is not good enough
D) Dismay, because your ideal candidate, the offensive coordinator from Tokyo Yukata, a team in the semi-professional Japanese Football League, was not hired
E) Anger, because fuck you
F) Choices C and D
G) Choices C and E
H) Choices C, D, and E
2.
You are the owner of a football team, and it's time to hire a new GM. You have conducted interviews with three candidates. No others interest you, or they are unavailable. Whom do you hire?
A) The guy from outside the system with about as outstanding of a resume that any one guy can have if he has never held the GM position before
B) The guy currently on the team with experience as a former GM, in which he orchestrated a draft trade-up costing his team an entire year's worth of draft picks, all so he could select a RB.
C) The guy you just fired, because you've never known anything different
D) You pull an Al Davis and make yourself the new GM
E) You give GM duties to the current head coach, whose intelligence and sanity is a bit questionable
F) B or fuck you
G) D or F
H) None of the above
SECTION B- Player Evaluation Aptitude
Directions: Select multiple choices as asked
3.
Given the following available players, select 5 to form the best possible starting offensive line.
a. Larry Bitchardson- A 2nd-year 6th round T/G tweener without much experience in college, but he has great hip movement and seems nice
b. Jade Stith- A veteran C/G tweener with starting experience. Undrafted out of college
c. Sydney Fartapples- A 6th year swing LT/RT with some starting experience. Cheap because nobody else seems to want him
d. Danny Duodenum- Available via trade of a 5th round pick, has little starting experience, but is multi-faceted. Can play any line position, since nobody can seem to figure out what he's good at
e. Albert Denbren- Last year's 1st round pick at LT. Played guard in college, but has the size and maneuverability that you, personally, look for in a LT
f. Seamus McHaggis- Waiver wire pickup option. Veteran RT with some, but not much starting experience. You recall hearing his name called at some point when you watched Sunday Night Football three years ago
g. Dikembe Mu'aclikicliki- Swing guard, acquired last year in a player-for-player trade. Is worthless
h. Lane Dickcloud- Undrafted rookie free agent. Hit somebody really hard in training camp. Played for the NAIA Jizzonme State University, so is quite experienced, but raw in all the right ways. Reaper16 of Chiefs Planet likes him.
i. Lester Spears- Your starting RG for the past 17 years. Has never won shit. Doesn't seem to mind or complain much about it. Can tell you about the time he got to longsnap for Jan Stanerud.
j. Michael Flopmod- A 400 lb man who tried out for the team two weeks ago. Has a great locker room personality.
k. A random undrafted free agent. You'll take your chances (may choose more than once)
l. You'll pay out the ass for an expensive aging player from another team (may chose more than once)
4.
Select the three most important qualities from the choices provided in your ideal starting QB
a. 6'2" or taller
b. Can run multiple systems
c. Is bald
d. Throws for around 3500 yards per season
e. Is considered to be in the top 3 greatest QBs of all time in spite of having only won one Super Bowl
f. Has a Jay Cutler arm
g. Has never and will never play a single game without an elite defense because the sun just shines out of his ass
SECTION C
Directions: Answer the question below
5. Are you Milkman? (Y or N)
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SCORING
Total your score from Section A with the following point values:
1. A) -5 B) 0 C) +2 D) +10 E) +5 F) +12 G) -3 H) -25
2. A) 0 B) +3000 C) -3000 D) +2 E) -2999 F) +10 G) +3 H) 0
Total your score from Section B
3. If you chose b), e), h), i), or k) score +5 points for each player selected
If you chose a), score +5000 points
If you chose c) or d), score 0 points
If you chose f) or g), subtract 3 points for each selection
If you chose j), you are deserving of a name change on your online football forum of choice
If you chose l) one or more times, then kill yourself
4. If you chose a), b), c), d), f), or g), score +5 points for each selection
If you chose e), subtract 500 points
Section A and B subtotal: _______
If you answered "Yes" in Section C, multiply your subtotal by 0
If you answered "No" in Section C, subtract 10,000 from your subtotal
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RESULTS
-1 or fewer points = You are a dumbass
0 or more points = You are an asshole
