Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda fucked up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
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Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
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Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also fucking horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the fuck out of them instead. [Reply]
Man, that fucking sucks. I've had to watch a parent wither away, but that doesn't compare to losing a spouse, especially one who is young enough that she has no business being gone. Take care of yourself, find people to talk to, and don't get addicted to anything. [Reply]
Janx, looks like I'm a little late but want to send my thoughts to you and will use that love and energy to hug and hold my SO and our dogs. Hope you are doing well and the people that came to celebrate her life helped you out.
Please feel free to reach out if you ever need anything [Reply]
Dang it Janx, I feel your pain, I've been there everyday since April 2018. I found myself to just keep going on, it's what she told me to do.
Fortunately just a mere 1.5 months went by when I found myself hanging on for life from the knee infection I picked up. That took me 3.5 years to get through that occupied my time even more to live and to live without her.
Losing your spouse who is/was your Rock of Gibraltar is tough to handle. Many times you hear how a woman can't go on without her man, who always supported her, took care of her financially doing all things for her. Well folks, that works the opposite direction as well, it takes a good woman to make the man he is!
Mark 10 v 8 speaks of both fleshes becoming one. That verse is true, you do think like one, act as one, do everything as one. When one has deceased, you do feel lost.
All I can tell ya is, continue living as 1 because time does heal. When you recall all of your dreams the 2 of you had, fulfil them if some are not completed. It has worked for me, I can't say it will for you but it will give you a goal of completing things you both set out to do. Cause deep down inside of me I know she is still a part of me and always will be.
Best of luck to you man and if you ever want to talk, hit me up! [Reply]
It seems like the two of you had built a great life together. In the big picture nothing lasts forever, so the time that a good thing exists is to be cherished. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx: Gonna wait for a nice windy day. Gonna sit outside with the dogs and wait for a hawk to fly overhead... then let her go fly with it.
Beautiful. I can only imagine where you are and extend my deepest sympathies. This community is here for you, whatever you need.
We're a bunch of mouthy assholes, but rise for our own.
I'm glad you were able to celebrate her life in the way you wanted. I'm reminded of a quote that brought me peace when my grandfather passed:
After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?
The atoms of our bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust. [Reply]
I won't be continually bumping this thread... just wanted to share one last thing. Her students all sent me cards and this one in particular made me belly laugh for the first time since she died.
Dude nailed it on page 2.
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"She left one day. Where did she go you ask? I don't know where she went, or why or how. But she was here, and it was wonderful."
Very, very sorry. She invested her love in so many lives. That love endures, and will continue to manifest in countless ways. The quote Duncan posted is truth.
I don't know if it would help you, but there's a three season show on Netflix called After Life. It's centered on the grieving process of a man, non religious like yourself, in the first years after his loss.
Your post inspired me, and I won't forget it. Thank you. [Reply]
I’ve felt like I’ve lost so many too soon, but I’ve never lost a spouse….. I can’t imagine your pain. If you need to talk any time….. brother, I will. I send you my phone number if you don’t have it….. [Reply]
