Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda fucked up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
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Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
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Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also fucking horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the fuck out of them instead. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx:
6 months today.
I'm hollow. Trying to do stuff and keep busy... but any happiness I have is momentary.
Very little has changed in the way I feel. I'm basically just hanging around until the reaper comes for me. The shrink I talked to was a complete and utter fucking joke. TBH... there isn't really anything they can tell me that will help. I've processed everything that happened, I accept everything that has happened, and I simply just highly don't give a fuck anything outside of keeping my animals alive.
Mr. Meeseeks had it right. Existence is pain.
Please don't read this as some exit message... I've made promises to people that I'm gonna keep and I couldn't do that to the 37 animals that depend on me. Just venting out into the ether.
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Spending life insurance money is fucking gross. I need to... don't have the option to just give it to charity but it is sooo fucking gross.
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Anyhow... go Chiefs.
Stay strong... For everybody around you. Time will help you cope and adjust, but how you're feeling now means you two have a rich life together. Listen to your inner soul, she's in their and will help guide you. [Reply]
MJ, somehow I just read this thread for the first time. Brother, I'm so sorry for your loss and situation. A few things. First off, your OP about squeezing the shit out of the ones you love was great advice. This situation has already touched many many of us. I know that may not make much difference for how you feel, but it is true. I know you aren't a religious guy and that's cool. But, I know her spirit is there and there FOR YOU. I'm no therapist and while I've been married for 29 years, I've never been through anything like you are going through, so advice would be fruitless. I'd probably consider moving if it was me. Fresh start and all. I know you had the farm dream together, but if it's too painful to be there, perhaps she'd want you to try your best for a fresh start. Just a thought. PM if you need to talk. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx:
6 months today.
I'm hollow. Trying to do stuff and keep busy... but any happiness I have is momentary.
Very little has changed in the way I feel. I'm basically just hanging around until the reaper comes for me. The shrink I talked to was a complete and utter fucking joke. TBH... there isn't really anything they can tell me that will help. I've processed everything that happened, I accept everything that has happened, and I simply just highly don't give a fuck anything outside of keeping my animals alive.
Mr. Meeseeks had it right. Existence is pain.
Please don't read this as some exit message... I've made promises to people that I'm gonna keep and I couldn't do that to the 37 animals that depend on me. Just venting out into the ether.
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Spending life insurance money is fucking gross. I need to... don't have the option to just give it to charity but it is sooo fucking gross.
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Anyhow... go Chiefs.
Sometimes it just feels like some of us are just meant to suffer. Some are born to win, some to lose. Some smart, some handsome, some ugly, some dumb. Some well off, some poor.
Sometimes we suffer so much...for so long, that we begin to accept our misery as the way things were always meant to be. Like God put us here to suffer for some greater cause. Some cause that we don't understand that's benefitting someone greater than us somewhere. So here we are, carrying out our purpose....which is to suffer.
They say time heals all wounds...it doesn't. Time just gives you the opportunity to try and forget what caused the pain in the 1st place.
They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I say whatever doesn't kill you will still leave a scar.
The pain changes you. The pain changes everyone. Some of us recover and some of us don't. Society looks down on those who don't recover. They just see a miserable mess. They don't see, understand or even care how you got there. To them, you're just a burden in their way.
My father lost his wife (my mother) when she was 23 years old. He NEVER recovered. It ruined him to this day.
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So my message to you isn't that everything is going to just get better. Reality is that for a lot of people it doesn't. My message isn't that someday you'll be the same guy you use to be. No one ever is. Hope and joy just isn't what's in your soul right now.
Instead, my advice is that you understand and embrace your misery. Don't feel bad about it. Don't feel like you're suppose to feel some other way. Don't pressure yourself to find some happiness that isn't there. Understand it and let it run its course. Understand that you ARE a different man from here on out. There's no going back, only forward. That hole in your soul? We'll that's space that was previously occupied by your wife. It's hers. So fill it with all the times you made her laugh. Every time she smiled at you and loved you and laughed at your stupid lame ass jokes. She deserves that space. Give it back. And everytime you remember her smile it's going to hurt sooooo bad. Just fucking cry and shout, man. Get it all out. Let yourself go. Yell! Scream out your smiles and your pain. Allow yourself the lose your sanity....and then bring it back in again.
Because eventually...and i swear to you, Eric, i swear to you.....eventually you're going to wake up one morning and you're going to be SICK and TIRED of feeling that way. You're going to stop feeling miserable. Because feeling miserable can be so damn exhausting. One morning, you're going to be tired of being exhausted. You will have been so emotional for so long that one day you'll simply be sick of it. THAT's when you're ready.
Lastly i wanna give you a platitude. And that's to lean on your friends and family. Lean on Chiefsplanet, man. Post more. Seek interaction, don't hide from it. You need to be selfish now. It's your time. Those relationships you've built over the years? Now's the time to use them. Get out of that house. Let other people make you laugh. Let other people occupy your thoughts. Don't spend too much time alone in your thoughts.
Remember that she's watching. And she wouldn't want you sulking. And she wouldn't want you not handling your business. And she wouldn't want you isolating yourself on your farm. Remember that she is forever.
When my mom died i was too young to really recall. But before she died she left me with her favorite song. It was her favorite song before learning she had cancer. And it meant that much more after. And while the circumstances are entirely different for you than I, the message is the same: Family is Forever. She is forever.