I'll just point out that it all begins with a set of rules. You want those new designer kicks, get a job and pay the difference over what we'd pay for a pair. Sass your mom, you get to stay home for a couple weeks. Don't clean your room, whoops, there goes your phone and TV. It doesn't matter how old you are, under Mom and Dad's roof, it's Mom and Dad's rules.
At this point, I don't know if you can make that happen, but you can't go on like this. Whether you have to formally evict him or just put his meager belongings in garbage bags on the front porch doesn't matter, you have to get him away from you and your wife. Otherwise, you're the one that has to cut ties and leave. [Reply]
All your trying to do is have a "wake up" call to his brain. You just want a behavior change. The exacerbation and the end of the rope kind of feeling is a real thing.
You can send him down a road he is already on and he is too stubborn to take the exit path. If he's in the house, maybe not tomorrow bur sometime soon, you can find him an exit path off this bad path he is on now. [Reply]
It’s a sad situation. Absolutely no boundaries have ever been set. Getting to this point has been in the making for years. The young adult has no respect for himself or others. A learned behavior no doubt. The parents allow themselves to be disrespected by an individual they feed and shelter. How insane is that? Sir, may I have another? That young adult is doing absolutely nothing he isn’t allowed to do. Everything he is doing against the parents is because they allow it happen.
The situation may or may not be remedied. Number one it will take a shit load of work on the parents side. Which if they were up to the task they wouldn’t be at this current situation. The young adult is 19 still a very impressionable age. The problem is he is not going to allow you and the mother to break him down and build him back up.
It comes down to one decision. Do you want to be shit on by a 19 yo or do you want to man up and have self worth and dignity? If she chooses the kid over you that’s all you need to know. [Reply]
Tough love is absolutely a real thing. The flip side is enabling bad behavior is also a real thing. The tight wire rope walk between the two is complicated and not so easily decided case by case. Knowing many variables with several families that had to decide I can’t definitively decide I would know which way to go either. But if a breaking point is crossed, sometimes some families have to do it. It’s still not going to be easy. [Reply]
I’ll just point out again, in my professional opinion, that we have no where near enough information to even consider suggesting kicking him out or forcing him into the military is the way to go. This is a step kid, the circumstances of that and how it came to be are extremely relevant. How long have they been living together? What’s the relationship if any between the mom and ex? If none, why? What happened to the dad? Did the kid ever know his dad? Many more questions just around that one subject are incredibly important here.
I’m also not going to assume for even a second that the parents have listened to the kid well or exhausted all resources and that everything they’ve done raising the kid has been in his best interest or with his concerns and issues primarily in mind. I know he said the kid doesn’t want therapy but that doesn’t just mean oh well, we tried.
Often times parents have to meet the kid half way and not just say “you” have problems or “you should do…” this or that. Even if you truly believe it’s all the kids own doing and issues and it’s objectively true, that’s mostly irrelevant because the kid isn’t capable or willing to see it. I would recommend the parents suggest they are doing there best but acknowledge that the family as a whole needs help, not just the kid. Therefore they should all see someone together to resolve their problems, not his problems. I believe he said he has a therapist, but it should not be that one. They should all see a different one together. [Reply]
He sounds like my nephew somewhat. Dude was just stuck in a rut and didn't know where to turn as everyone was trying to suggest something. He was going to do his own thing.
He recently moved to San Diego because a friend of his, family was willing to help him with a place to stay at their house. Years back my mother helped that family by taking that friend into her house (long story) so they are returning the favor. He is now working at a hotel on the beach and doing well. He has been told he can not come back home so he has to get up everyday and work. He says his buddy doesn't have a job and that kids parent is ok with that. Anyways, my nephew is doing well and growing a lot.
Getting him out of his grandma's house where he lived since he was 15 and is now 21 has helped him tremendously. Sometimes young men need a challenge that their interested in. The trick is finding that challenge and it being away from home.
I have found that a parent can do everything right and still have a phucked up kid. It is not always about how you raise a child. That's not to negate the importance of discipline, love, values and family life. But you can be a great mom or dad and still have a reprobate as a child.
I'm lucky. My kids are a huge blessing in my life. But my brother and his wife have a daughter who simply cannot stay out of trouble, and they raised her well. She's just determined to screw every opportunity and every one in her life. [Reply]
Originally Posted by LongSufferingToady:
I have found that a parent can do everything right and still have a phucked up kid. It is not always about how you raise a child. That's not to negate the importance of discipline, love, values and family life. But you can be a great mom or dad and still have a reprobate as a child.
This is also interesting to me (sorry y'all, I won't be as long-winded on this subject). The ol' nature vs. nurture debate.
How much of who you are is based on your experiences? How much of who you are is just who you were destined to be? [Reply]
Originally Posted by ThaVirus:
This is also interesting to me (sorry y'all, I won't be as long-winded on this subject). The ol' nature vs. nurture debate.
How much of who you are is based on your experiences? How much of who you are is just who you were destined to be?
You'd think that nurture would be the big factor, but I've known people with two kids who are similar in age with wildly divergent outcomes in life. As in, Kid 1 is very successful and happy and Kid 2 is a homeless alcoholic. That really mystifies me - they grew up in the same house with the same parents and went to very different extremes. So there must be something internal that can override external forces.
I've got one sibling and while we're not wildly divergent in outcomes and we have somewhat similar values, I will say that we're very different people, and I don't think we were treated differently growing up. [Reply]
Originally Posted by ThaVirus:
This is also interesting to me (sorry y'all, I won't be as long-winded on this subject). The ol' nature vs. nurture debate.
[B]How much of who you are is based on your experiences?How much of who you are is just who you were destined to be?
Your childhood has a big part in shaping who you are.
The fatherlessness rate and lazy parents throwing iPads to their kids all day will have a huge impact on the next generation. It’s gonna be bad [Reply]
Don't have any kids however a friends dad was a therapist that worked with a lot of troubled teens. His methods were a little unconventional however they got results when others had failed. His basic premise was that no matter what, do not respond to their outbursts with anger as this gives them what they want, a sense of control over someone else because they feel totally out of control over themselves. Unfortunately, our society is based on this 'external control'. The concept of punishment doesn't really work or no one would commit crimes however rules and consequences of not following them is necessary.
As the non-biological parent, it sounds like you are really in a no-win situation. Perhaps seeking a trained therapist would help all of you attempt to get him on the right path. One thing to remember is that no one likes to be controlled and like a mule you try to drag to the trough for a drink, he will dig in his heels harder the more you try to control him. [Reply]
Originally Posted by crayzkirk:
Don't have any kids however a friends dad was a therapist that worked with a lot of troubled teens. His methods were a little unconventional however they got results when others had failed. His basic premise was that no matter what, do not respond to their outbursts with anger as this gives them what they want, a sense of control over someone else because they feel totally out of control over themselves. Unfortunately, our society is based on this 'external control'. The concept of punishment doesn't really work or no one would commit crimes however rules and consequences of not following them is necessary.
As the non-biological parent, it sounds like you are really in a no-win situation. Perhaps seeking a trained therapist would help all of you attempt to get him on the right path. One thing to remember is that no one likes to be controlled and like a mule you try to drag to the trough for a drink, he will dig in his heels harder the more you try to control him.
Your dad is sharp.
“You reinforce the behavior you acknowledge”
This goes for good and bad behavior. When our kids throw a fit, I’ll leave the room. Eventually they’ll figure out that behavior will not get them what they want.
Also, you need to give kids choices most of the time. That way they are invested in the decision, and will learn to think at younger ages.
One of my employees is young, and he would struggle to decide between taking a 100 dollar bill or a pile of shit. His parents told him what to do his whole life, and he has no decision making skills. Hell, they told him he was working for me! :-)
Every kid is different. If they survive you’ve won half the battle. :-) [Reply]
