About a month ago, I was into the Whiskey and looking for reasons (excuses) to dive deeper into the abyss. I texted a friend while drunk and asked him why he had put me down in front of some people we were golfing with. He's super competitive and does this to mess with me because he knows I don't like it. It didn't really set well with me however I didn't say anything at the time. Mistake one. Mistake two was texting while drunk asking him why he felt it was necessary to put me down in front of a group of strangers. He asked if I was drinking Whiskey and I said yes. He basically texted back the he was sorry I feel bad. I sent him a text the next day saying that I was sorry for acting like a victim and was embarrassed by the whole thing. The last response I got was "I'm done with this conversation.".
This is someone that I've known for 40 years and helped me after my father died. We've been through a lot and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm to the point where I feel like dropping by his house to make sure he's okay. I haven't gotten any responses to texts about anything; wishing him a happy Thanksgiving, etc.
It's interesting to read all the differing points of view...
First off, not sure I would call him a friend if you are there to be the butt end of his jokes. If he did it on the golf course, I am betting he did it at other times also.
Sounds like he was in the friendship for his benefit only. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Frazod:
Yet you expect him to take care of you.
And as a conservative, I've had relationships lost or severely strained with a few friends/family members due to TDS. But that all happened years ago, and frankly none of them were people I'd ever have heavily relied on for support anyway. I really don't think you can blame that for anything at this point.
As others have said, you're the problem here.
Honestly, I think they are both part of the problem. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mosbonian:
It's interesting to read all the differing points of view...
First off, not sure I would call him a friend if you are there to be the butt end of his jokes. If he did it on the golf course, I am betting he did it at other times also.
Sounds like he was in the friendship for his benefit only.
Presumably we're all in relationships for our benefit only, though, right?
That sounds kind of selfish, but let me elaborate. (And this is unrelated to the OP - I'm just going off on a tangent.)
I'll certainly do a favor for a friend or family member, but that's presumably because I'm getting something out of it myself. Maybe it's companionship or maybe it's a belief that the friend would help me out in return, but presumably the relationship is a two-way street. For some reason it's worth it to me to help them when they need it.
I've known people in the past who had some relationship with me (friend, family, whatever), and I felt like I was their butler or their emotional support animal. At some point I wasn't getting out of the relationship what I was putting in, so I put some distance there. I've had a couple of those people whine at me for keeping them at arm's length, but when one person is doing all of the support and the other one is constantly asking, it's not a winning formula. It's not the mutual respect that a good relationship needs.
I have one relative who is a very nice guy. He's handy with things - fixing cars, unclogging sinks, whatever - and I have some other relatives who immediately call him whenever they need a service like that. He's a really nice guy so he always helps, but it's ridiculous. Other relatives should call a plumber or take the car to a shop or something, but they default to calling him and asking him to come over and do something for them, and he's not getting any reciprocation from them that I can see. He hasn't said that it bothers him, but it sure bothers me to see it. I feel like other relatives are taking advantage of him, and it puts him in a tough spot. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Rain Man:
Presumably we're all in relationships for our benefit only, though, right?
That sounds kind of selfish, but let me elaborate. (And this is unrelated to the OP - I'm just going off on a tangent.)...
Call me different....the relationships I have that I consider best friends, are for both our benefits. We would drop whatever we would be doing to help each other.
I get what you were saying and don't disagree to some extent. But reading the explanation to this point quite frankly the friend who constantly put him down wasn't doing it as part of good friendly ribbing. He was being and a$$hat.
The flip side of this is texting him while drunk. Never a smart thing because the filters come off and things are said that normally wouldn't be.
I say it probably benefits both of them to go in separate directions. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Rain Man:
Presumably we're all in relationships for our benefit only, though, right?
That sounds kind of selfish, but let me elaborate. (And this is unrelated to the OP - I'm just going off on a tangent.)
I'll certainly do a favor for a friend or family member, but that's presumably because I'm getting something out of it myself. Maybe it's companionship or maybe it's a belief that the friend would help me out in return, but presumably the relationship is a two-way street. For some reason it's worth it to me to help them when they need it.
I've known people in the past who had some relationship with me (friend, family, whatever), and I felt like I was their butler or their emotional support animal. At some point I wasn't getting out of the relationship what I was putting in, so I put some distance there. I've had a couple of those people whine at me for keeping them at arm's length, but when one person is doing all of the support and the other one is constantly asking, it's not a winning formula. It's not the mutual respect that a good relationship needs.
I have one relative who is a very nice guy. He's handy with things - fixing cars, unclogging sinks, whatever - and I have some other relatives who immediately call him whenever they need a service like that. He's a really nice guy so he always helps, but it's ridiculous. Other relatives should call a plumber or take the car to a shop or something, but they default to calling him and asking him to come over and do something for them, and he's not getting any reciprocation from them that I can see. He hasn't said that it bothers him, but it sure bothers me to see it. I feel like other relatives are taking advantage of him, and it puts him in a tough spot.
Hmmm… your point of view here doesn’t vibe with me. Life isn’t always all transactional and reciprocal. Sometimes people get something out of doing something that’s beyond what others might understand.
Perhaps your relative enjoys being helpful. Feels valued and appreciated. Perhaps that brings him some sort of joy/self-esteem that you don’t necessarily see.
At a minimum I don’t think you should feel bothered by it unless he expresses that sort of feeling to you. [Reply]
Originally Posted by crayzkirk:
Well, my house flooded and I sent him a text saying I needed his help. Nothing but silence. I guess we are done. I think I need to change my expectations around my friends, or those people who I think are my friends. Politics has ruined a lot of relationships in the past two years and this guy is a liberal loving Democrat that wouldn't go around anyone who wasn't vaccinated. He's a good NPC that expect the government to take care of him
Originally Posted by Mosbonian:
Call me different....the relationships I have that I consider best friends, are for both our benefits. We would drop whatever we would be doing to help each other.
I get what you were saying and don't disagree to some extent. But reading the explanation to this point quite frankly the friend who constantly put him down wasn't doing it as part of good friendly ribbing. He was being and a$$hat.
The flip side of this is texting him while drunk. Never a smart thing because the filters come off and things are said that normally wouldn't be.
I say it probably benefits both of them to go in separate directions.
Originally Posted by TwistedChief:
Hmmm… your point of view here doesn’t vibe with me. Life isn’t always all transactional and reciprocal. Sometimes people get something out of doing something that’s beyond what others might understand.
Perhaps your relative enjoys being helpful. Feels valued and appreciated. Perhaps that brings him some sort of joy/self-esteem that you don’t necessarily see.
At a minimum I don’t think you should feel bothered by it unless he expresses that sort of feeling to you.
I'm sure that it makes me seem more mercenary than I am. I do think, though, that there has to be a balance in relationships. People may have different ideas of what "balance" means, which is fine.
I'm not tallying the number of times that I've spotted someone some lunch money or given them a ride or whatever. I'm thinking of a couple of extreme examples in my life where someone has taken advantage of me and when I finally said no, they fell back on the "but we're friends" guilt trip. In those cases, I don't think the person values the relationship, but rather they value what I can give them. [Reply]
