Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda fucked up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
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Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
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Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also fucking horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the fuck out of them instead. [Reply]
Member since 1992. 1st wife had cystic fibrosis and she made it to the average age for CFer's at that time, 25. I was 30. Try not to crawl in a shell. I was a zombie for the 1st year or so after. Did find another good woman 5 years later. Wasn't looking but it happened. You never know what's coming down the road although I know right now it feels like a Mack truck. [Reply]
Sorry for your loss. So sad she died young, but it sounds as though you gave her great love and a great life during her time here. That is so much more than many people ever get to experience. I know you don't believe in prayer, but I will say one for you and hope your pain eases with time, while never forgetting the great women she was to you. [Reply]
Hang in there. The pain can be good. It's there because of the immense love you felt. Life isn't fair and you can't change time. Just try to cherish the great memories you had and hopefully she will live on with you. Condolences. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Carr4MVP:
Not Christian but you are having a memorial at the Bible Chapel? Interesting.
Prayers with you in these times of sorrow.
Those services were put on by her side of the family. I wasn't keen on my wife's death being used as an opportunity to hold mass thus I was not at that service. They are welcome to grieve in their own way and I wasn't going to stand in their way.
I had her party today, at our farm, with the people that ACTUALLY knew her, with the people that actually care about me.
Hope the truth was as interesting as your imagination. :-) [Reply]
Thank you for the well wishes. We had a great party for Cathy today. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, dehydrated, and wide awake yet still yawning my face off.
Everyone has gone to bed now. I'm the only one left awake. I'm gonna cuddle the dogs and watch some TV while I go to sleep in her office chair and listening to my chicks peeping madly (chicks are in the house and in a kennel in our computer room).
This is all ridiculous and surreal. I got a memorial tattoo for her on my forearm. Can't help but see it all the time. She will be with me forever. I will accomplish everything we set out to do on this farm or I will die trying.
Didn't get to spread the ashes because weather was shitty and I didn't want my wife to clump in our yard. lol
Gonna wait for a nice windy day. Gonna sit outside with the dogs and wait for a hawk to fly overhead... then let her go fly with it. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx:
Those services were put on by her side of the family. I wasn't keen on my wife's death being used as an opportunity to hold mass thus I was not at that service. They are welcome to grieve in their own way and I wasn't going to stand in their way.
I had her party today, at our farm, with the people that ACTUALLY knew her, with the people that actually care about me.
Hope the truth was as interesting as your imagination. :-)
Lots of posters here were triggered by my respectfully asked question.
Thanks for answering. You have been quite vocal in your non-belief so the location of the service caught my attention.
Nice little try at a dig there. You will learn as she has.
I can't even imagine, man. I'm fairly confident I would cease being able to function for a year. Best of luck in working through it, and condolences. [Reply]
