The only real option at this point is to give him a list of things he has to continue to do or move out. Status quo is unacceptable. The fact it has gotten to this point is water under the bridge, you can not go back and change it. Continuing on as is, is not going to be best for him in the long run.
So get a job or enroll in college/trade, pay x in rent (can put it in a bank account for him but needs to be responsible)... or hit the rode. give him a deadline and follow through with it. Even if you have to call the police for trespass. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mecca:
To be fair also he's super manipulative and a therapist told me he's at best borderline sociopathic.
I missed this...did the therapist suggest any type of treatment? If so, following it should be the basis for whether he stays or goes, and that needs to be laid out in no uncertain terms. I'm no mental health expert, but 2 things I've learned about it is the person suffering from it won't ever recognize it because they don't understand what it's like to feel normal, and they also don't understand the impact it has on those close to them. With that said, it's not easy to convince someone to seek out mental help. It's a tough situation and you and his mother need to stay strong and committed to it or he'll never get better. [Reply]
Originally Posted by jdubya:
Is it irony or just epic humor that someone named "Couch-Potato" is giving advice on motivating a 19 year old? :-)
My oldest son was slow to roll in his late teens and early 20`s and I feared he was never going to launch. He didn't have behavioral issues...just lacked incentive and initiative.... Then he got a GF and got a bit more motivated and eventually did a half dozen years in the military. He's 29 now and off to the races.
This was kind of my experience. After fucking up at my BSN nursing school, I joined the army. It changed my life. [Reply]
Originally Posted by BigBeauford:
This was kind of my experience. After fucking up at my BSN nursing school, I joined the army. It changed my life.
Same here. I was a lazy, unmotivated, slacking piece of shit before I joined the Navy. Hate to think how my life would have turned out had I not enlisted.
I was respectful to people, however. Had I ever talked that way to my parents the way this kid did my dad would have beat me into a bloody pulp. He never did lay a hand on me, but he didn't have to. I remember one time during my senior year I copped an attitude with him and he said, "so, you think you're a man now?" He weighed about what I do now and I was probably about 130 soaking wet. My answer was a quick "no." :-) [Reply]
Originally Posted by stanleychief:
My father helped by cosigning for me to be able to get it.
I think that's a good point regarding "parenting doesn't end at 18".... it doesn't end at kicking your kid out of the house and into the real world, either, and doesn't mean you're disowning your kid.... you're just forcing them to have some skin in the game. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mecca:
Nope, he goes through them like butter cause he won't get up. I got him a job making 17 an hour with lots of OT available lasted 2 weeks...
Yet he has bills, he's maxed credit cards, won't liscense his car, is driving with no insurance.
Im pretty sure your kid and mine went to the same school.
I couldn't deal with his shit anymore and tossed his ass out after letting him and his girlfriend move in with me rent free. Finally at age 31 he seems to be getting his shit together some after screwing pretty much all of his family for years and everyone had cut him off. [Reply]
Originally Posted by displacedinMN:
Make a list of things he can do to stay.
If not, he has to leave. Hardest thing is clear, consistent, united expectations.
One Crack and the whole plan goes to hell and he wins.
Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk
That last part is basically why it won't ever work if the kid doesn't give a shit about your rules and only wants to do whatever the hell he wants as long as he can get away with it... it's exhausting on the parents and giving an inch leads to giving two inches which leads to giving a foot, then one day he's 25 and still living in your basement and eating all of your food.
It's one thing if the kid wants to be out on his own and simply doesn't have the structure or discipline... so those rules provide those.
If not, it's a pointless exercise that IMO only makes the parents feel better about trying. [Reply]
Originally Posted by FlaChief58:
Im pretty sure your kid and mine went to the same school.
I couldn't deal with his shit anymore and tossed his ass out after letting him and his girlfriend move in with me rent free. Finally at age 31 he seems to be getting his shit together some after screwing pretty much all of his family for years and everyone had cut him off.
I feel like a lot of guys don't really start figuring it out until their 30's. Until then, they live in the now. No foresight, no planning. Thinking just one day at a time and filling selfish, immediate needs and wants. Poor, self destructive decision after another until they mature enough to understand that life is better w/o putting yourself in those positions.
Like Mecca's boy not paying car insurance. He'll also lapse on his registration if he hasn't already. Because hey, when you're 19 y/o you think insurance is a pointless scam because you'll never need it because you're a great driver who will never be in an accident. And you have to pay your rent, utilities etc so you piss away your insurance as you think it's the least valuable bill
Then, he'll inevitably get pulled over for no tags and no insurance and get his car impounded. At which point, he'll come crying to mommy and daddy about how he needs them to pay his impound fees because he needs a car to get to work. Maybe mommy and daddy bail him out.
Then, he'll start driving on a suspended license because he didn't pay the fines from the first time he was pulled over. He'll get pulled over again, this time with a suspended license. Hey, the blood bank doesn't pay enough to cover those fines that have undoubtedly doubled because he ignored them.
It's just a cycle of poor decisions and self destructive behavior that plays in a loop. Some people learn right away. Some people repeat over and over and over again until they figure it out. Some people never figure it out, and instead just give up. [Reply]
After my divorce, my son was too much for his mom to deal with...and he ended up living with me. After being kicked out of HS for marijuana, I had 2 rules. 1) get and keep a job. 2) Do not smoke anything in my house. He couldn't do either. Finally, he had his car towed from our condo by the management, he went berserk and slipped a threatening not into the Condo Managers mailbox. By then, I had custody of both him and his sister who was 2 years younger. My land lord said that either he left or we'd all be evicted.
He never kept a job over 2 months. When he left, it took weeks to clean his room. Cigarette butts everywhere, ashes all over and pot paraphernalia too. He couldn't respect 2 rules, and he couldn't chill. I had to kick him out.
Now...6 years later...he is a hobo. Actually gets around the country, hopping freight trains. Pan handles for $$. But he seems to love that life. I have to help out occasionally but it's $30 to $100 every 5 to 6 months.
I love my son. BUT, at some time, every one of us has to find their way. I will never stop caring, but I can't live life for him.
Not sure that any of it helps, but sometimes kicking an adult child out doesn't bode well. But I can't, to this day, figure out what else I could have done. [Reply]
Originally Posted by stanleychief:
I've got no kids, but I do have a story.
When I was 19 years old, I was kicked out of my father's house. It was one of the best things that have happened to me. At the time, I was doing drugs and hanging out with the wrong crowd. One night, I had a massive party when my father went out of town, and the house got wrecked. That was the final straw. He told me that the free ride was over, to pack my shit and get out.
I stayed with some friends for a bit. I had to shuffle around a few times, so as not to wear out my welcome. It was quite clear that the free ride was indeed over. None of my friend's parent's seemed to want to permanently house and feed another kid. Go figure.
I got an apartment with a friend of mine. My father helped by cosigning for me to be able to get it. I had to work two jobs to pay rent & utilities, cover food and extremely minimal entertainment. It was a great life lesson. Instead of resenting him, I finally understood that working sucks, and that it sucks even more when you are a single parent raising an ungrateful kid.
It also didn't take very long before I realized that I should get a skilled job that paid more, so that I didn't have to work two crappy jobs to make ends meet. I found a job doing something that I liked, and the rest is history.
Maybe it was a different time. Maybe my case is the exception to the rule. I never once blamed my father for booting me out. I knew that I deserved a kick in the ass. We have a great relationship to this day. I grab a beer with my father probably every other weekend.
Times will never change when it comes to men disciplining their sons. I got my ass handed to me at 17 when I convinced my gf to ditch school so we could hang out at her house (her folks worked). We’d say we were sick or had DR appt or stupid crap - a private HS is a tight knit place where teachers figure stuff out quickly. I lied to them and my folks before it unraveled. Dad grounded me 3 months, took my car keys, banned me from the baseball team and mom took my private phone line.
A couple days later the principal got me at lunch and wanted a word. Walked me to the library where prob 10 teachers were sitting. My dad was standing and said “You’ve got an apology to make”. The cherry on top was that night when he said “Bitch, you get your car back for one night tomorrow”. Really? “Yeah, you’re going over the Jenny’s house to apologize to her parents for disrespecting them. And you’re wearing your blazer and khakis”I can still remember ringing the doorbell and hearing her dad walk. I knew it was him becasue a man’s steps are slower, and heavier. I wanted to die.
Moral of the story: Mecca needn’t worry about this kids “feelings” or psyche or depression or what may happen down the road. That’s the boys problem - only Mecca’s wife matters here. [Reply]
1. You'll pay for one year of vocational training (find a trade).... your rules curfew... no additional financial support... he can work a part-time job to help save some money (everyone is hiring).
2. He gets thrown out on his ass and he can do whatever he wants [Reply]
