Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda fucked up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
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Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
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Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also fucking horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries...msHuTgYiRw8e-Y
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the fuck out of them instead.
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If we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
Laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind
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