Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda fucked up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
----
Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
---
Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also fucking horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the fuck out of them instead. [Reply]
"Time heals all wounds" sounds like a bullshit platitude, but it's mostly true. You'll never get over this completely, but you don't need to. You just need to heal enough that you can enjoy your life. It's just a matter of time, so long as you take care of yourself. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Eureka:
If the shoe was on the other foot and you were up in heaven and she was down here.
What would you say to her (if she was in your position) if you could say something?
The plan was that if it was me that went that she would immediately sell the farm and move to the same city my brother lives in. She was down for this plan and so was he.
We had no real plan for what would happen if she went first because she didn't give much thought to things of that nature. In fact, she would get annoyed with me when I would ask her questions in this realm. Hubris... she didn't think this would happen to her.
I would tell her... "follow the plan".
I know for a fact she wouldn't begrudge me being with another person down the line but... she did ask that I not remarry. That won't be difficult to do. I have zero desire to marry again.
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx:
Gained membership into the club last Saturday at 8:10AM.
Throwing a party today. Bunch of people coming to the farm today. Spreading ashes. It is kinda ****ed up because we came out here to get away from people, yet today what I need is people around me, but I'm also *REALLY* looking forward to them all going away.
We weren't Christian. In neither of our estimation (hers and mine) is she in "a better place", "teaching kids in heaven", or "fulfilling God's plan". Not to take anything away from you all who believe. That isn't even remotely my intent. Just thinking about the platitudes I've heard so far and how unhelpful the majority of them are. Her place was here, with me, with our dogs, with our animals. I had 30-40 years left with her. She is not where she belongs.
----
Best thing I ever did was give her a gigantic leatherbound journal for our first anniversary. I now have the past 15 years of her innermost thoughts, her drawings, her struggles, and her victories all at my fingertips.
Biggest takeaway so far is that I just need to tread water for the next 6 months. No big decisions, no moving, no ending the lives of all my pets and then squaring myself away.
It has been a week and it has gotten "easier" to bear which is just code words for "just being in your house isn't gonna make you lose your shit"... it means that you get used to being in the house UNTIL you see something that brings up a specific memory or someone says something that touches on one of your inside secrets or struggles as a couple. Then you lose it all over again. Then, and only then, does your brain get the chance to prepare itself for the next time it sees or hears that specific reference.
---
Life is short, it is beautiful... but it is also ****ing horseshit. The only actual and truly wonderful part of mine is gone.
/don't worry about condolences for me or the like... take that energy and put it towards that person you married. Get up from your desk, find them, and squeeze the **** out of them instead.
My wife is a retired teacher. Teachers are special people. They have endless patience and a passion for guiding young people to be productive, important adults. One of my wife's former students is Senator Josh Hawley, so there are exceptions I suppose :-)
One of my very best friends Page here in KC is a chiro. He lost his wife after only four years of marriage to cancer. She was in her late 40s. It was really rough on him for the first year, but he's managed to reconcile the unfairness of that, make his peace with God and move on to the next chapter in his life.
I hope you can find peace and make the rest of your life something that your wife would endorse. Be an instrument of good. There's too much bad in the world already. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Mephistopheles Janx:
I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.
Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.
The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.
I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.
There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.
Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).
I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm glad I decided to visit(haven't been here since April 4th) and glad I decided to keep going back and seeing what I've missed.
That said brother I joined the widower's club on 12-8-21 when I lost my wife of 36 years.I'm not going to preach to you however I want to share some things that I implore you to check out further as they have been a HUGE help to me in coping with my loss.
This is a nationwide group called Griefshare they have a 13 week class and you can also sign up for a FREE email sent to you for one year with a daily topic on coping with grief.Yes,this class etc. is biblical based however it's not pushed on you by any means and the videos they show are people just like you and I giving their experiences.The class also is includes a workbook broken into 13 separate topics and you even have homework which I loved and got so much additional help from.
Anyhow brother,I'm in your shoes and I can sympathize with all the emotions, the never knowing what's going to trigger a sudden outbursts of tears and that feeling of your gut wrenching in pain from the loneliness.
Keep fighting brother and if I can be of any other help do not hesitate to ask.I'll try and check in more often. [Reply]
I'm hollow. Trying to do stuff and keep busy... but any happiness I have is momentary.
Very little has changed in the way I feel. I'm basically just hanging around until the reaper comes for me. The shrink I talked to was a complete and utter fucking joke. TBH... there isn't really anything they can tell me that will help. I've processed everything that happened, I accept everything that has happened, and I simply just highly don't give a fuck anything outside of keeping my animals alive.
Mr. Meeseeks had it right. Existence is pain.
Please don't read this as some exit message... I've made promises to people that I'm gonna keep and I couldn't do that to the 37 animals that depend on me. Just venting out into the ether.
---
Spending life insurance money is fucking gross. I need to... don't have the option to just give it to charity but it is sooo fucking gross.
Janx, I've been single my whole life so I would not pretend to feel or understand your pain. It sounds very deep, just like the love you have for your departed wife.
What I can say is that my Hedonistic lifestyle has buffered and blocked nearly all dark and difficult moments in my life.
If the situation was reversed, would you want your wife to dwell in darkness or to use all the positive memories and fun times to smile and laugh to move forward?
Don't be so hard on yourself and think of something in life YOU wanted to do in life and do it. It could be something as simple as volunteering for a charity, taking a road trip with a few of your buddies or buying a new ATV.
You sound like you have a real love of animals and farm life. Maybe you can open your farm to disadvantaged children to share the time with them.
You are correct in your OP in that life is short, incredibly short. It's why I chose a single Hedonistic life so I coud squeeze every last drop out of life.
I hope you can get out of the darkness and find a new and exciting purpose. [Reply]
