'Vikings' Season 5, Episode 14 Review: The Slog That Keeps On Slogging

Wednesday night's episode of Vikings---The Lost Moment---was perhaps a smidge better than it's been the past few episodes, but not nearly enough to stop the longboat from sinking.


While I enjoyed some of the episode's more human moments---Hvitserk's defiance of his infuriating brother, Ivar, for instance---there were still far too many of the show's worst habits on display, such as:

Ivar continues to be a cartoon villain; he's a caricature of vikings at this point, and a bad one at that. Ivar the Boneless---now Ivar the God, because of course he is---has taken cartoon villainy to a new level. He is to Vikings what Negan was to The Walking Dead for two seasons, and both have a tendency to suck all the oxygen out of the room leaving us with a cartoon story filled with cartoon characters. More on Ivar shortly.

While there was some partial conclusion to the endless Floki subplot, we still had to endure more scenes of all these people we don't care about standing around arguing more. By the gods, this is getting tiresome. This entire story could have been told in three episodes easily without losing a thing. What a waste of a good character.

Bjorn continues to be a boorish bore. He's neither smart nor tactful. He isn't charming or interesting. Whatever used to be compelling about his character has since been lost. He argues with everyone, latches on to ridiculous characters like Magnus of all people, and seems to have no coherent personality or set of motivations other than Bjorn Angry! Bjorn not like people! But Bjorn like pretty girl! He's been written into the worst kind of corner, eclipsed by all his brothers.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers continues to overact the living daylight out of Bishop Heahmund. The scenes between him and Lagertha are so bad. At least when Ragnar made the stupid choice to be with Auslag the two started hating one another and there was an interesting, loveless dynamic between the two. I see nothing---absolutely no chemistry---between Lagertha and Heahmund. It's a preposterous, forced affair that makes no sense and serves no purpose.
Meanwhile, the whole thing feels weirdly rushed like it's been stapled together and is about to fall apart. What is the timeframe here? How long has Ubbe and the rest of them been in Wessex? How long did it take Harald to get there? How did Ivar so completely solidify his power? How did he get so many troops after all that battling when so many of his and Harald's men were killed? The only reason they had any substantial force was because of Rollo and he's gone.

I keep thinking back on how Ragnar couldn't even raise an army to go to England. So he and Ivar and maybe a dozen others sailed there, ultimately leading to Ragnar's capture and execution. That was a pretty massive letdown as far as stories about vikings go, but I'd take it still over the constant massive battles that keep happening. The huge armies these viking rulers raise with no effort at all, that they then squander on intercene warfare because hey, no real consequences right? It's easy to raise these huge fighting forces and fleets of ships, or something. Man this show has changed.

As you can tell, I'm still incredibly frustrated by this show and its many continued failings. The quality has dropped so dramatically. Still, it was a better episode than the last couple. Two episodes back we had to watch a bishop kill another bishop in a cathedral while his perfect hair was spattered with blood. That was a new low as far as I'm concerned. Last week was better (I missed it and forgot to write a review, please forgive me) though it was also when Ivar proclaimed himself a god and only Hvitserk seemed to care or do anything about it.

This week had some good moments---as noted, Hvitserk's defiance. Then we had the big scene at the end with Ivar killing off the incredibly ancient Seer, so I guess no more of that guy wheezing and telling us vague, cryptic stuff about the future. That's fine---he hasn't been a particularly interesting character since he told Rollo that if he knew what lay in store for him he'd run naked on the beach out of joy (or something to that effect.)

At this point, more than anything, I'm just bored with this show. The return of Magnus is more of an annoyance than a big "oooh wow" moment. The constant bickering between brothers has grown stale. Floki's plot is a snoozer. Lagertha has been all but wasted in this stupid relationship with Heahmund. Heahmund is ridiculous, from his absurd way of speaking to his absurdly modern haircut.

The one plot that ought to be interesting, as Aethelred plots (badly) against his half-brother Alfred, is only mildly so since we know the plot won't work, since we care so little about the various players involved. The show hasn't earned this skullduggery. We're just supposed to think that all these men would so easily and quickly plot the overthrow and murder of their king and that I guess Alfred's best defenders are a group of unruly norsemen? Oh come on.

I guess Ubbe and Torvi are Christians now. So that's something. I still don't quite understand why we aren't watching the story of the conquest of England by the brothers of Ragnar, with Ubbe and Ivar working side by side against a common foe, but I suppose I should just stop wanting even the slightest whiff of historical accuracy from this show.

Vikings used to be really unique and interesting. It was about betrayal and revenge, conquest and tenuous loyalties, victories and defeats. We had, for a few seasons, a fascinating conflict between brothers as Rollo and Ragnar squared off endlessly, caught between their love for one another and Rollo's desire to move out from under his brother's shadow. That conflict between brothers is now a smorgasbord of petty squabbles and outlandish threats. Ivar even went so far as to perform a human sacrifice of a fake Lagertha despite everyone in Kattegat knowing what she looks like. She was just recently its ruler. You don't kill a fake Lagertha in public when everyone knows it's nonsense.

I mean, that was the big cliffhanger last week---we all thought it would be Hvitserk, except for the fact that if it were Hvitserk why didn't they show us? So we actually knew it would be someone else. We just never guessed it would be this terrifically stupid. Ivar, lately, has been stupid more than he's been clever, and lucky more than anything. Why anyone follows him is a mystery. Why only now Hvitserk is pouting and acting like a wounded pet is also a mystery---he'd seen all his brother's atrocities. He was fine with Ivar killing Ubbe and Bjorn and that other brother that totally had it coming, but he's upset about the crazy Margrethe? Sure thing, Vikings. That all makes perfect sense.

Meanwhile, Bjorn's childish rebuke of Ubbe after knowing Magnus for all of five minutes is another example of how silly all these little squabbles really are, and how boring and lackluster the plot has become. Even the more likeable characters such as Alfred, Ubbe and Lagertha are all either shadows of their former selves (Lagertha) or of their predecessors. Ubbe is just a young Ragnar with a much less interesting story. And Alfred is no Ecbert, that's for sure. He should be.

It's like we're watching the shadow of another show. This is, perhaps, Rollo's psyche turned into a live-action viking drama, living forever in the great silhouette cast by what this show used to be, back when it was about Ragnar Lothbrok rathar than his ridiculous children.

I'm bored, dear readers, and saddened by the downward spiral. Let me know what you think on Twitter and Facebook and thanks, as always, for reading.

Oh, and both Alfred and Bjorn cut their hair. I guess all the guys sleeping with Alfred's wife cut their hair at the same time.

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