Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.
Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. [Reply]
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thirty-one. One to change the old lightbulb, fifteen to spend a long time choosing the new lightbulb, and fifteen to grieve the loss of the old lightbulb [Reply]
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." [Reply]
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." [Reply]
Originally Posted by SNR:
Gotta get some religious humor in here:
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thirty-one. One to change the old lightbulb, fifteen to spend a long time choosing the new lightbulb, and fifteen to grieve the loss of the old lightbulb
One elderly preacher, one middle aged preacher and one young preacher were in a boat fishing one early Saturday morning. While they were discussing their individual theologies and contemplating the next day’s sermon, the elder preacher reeled in his line to find that he was in need of more bait. Upon realizing that they had mistakenly left the bait on the bank the undaunted preacher merely got out of the boat, strolled a crossed the water to the bank grabbed the bait and strolled back to the boat. They continued fishing and discussing, and after a few hours they begin to get hungry. In their haste to take advantage of the early morning hours they discovered that they had left the lunch basket in the truck. This time the middle aged preacher volunteered to get the lunch basket. Like the elderly preacher he strolled a crossed the water to the truck, retrieved their lunch and returned to the boat. They gave thanks, ate lunch and continued fishing. Shortly after they ate the young preacher was wanting to prove his own state of righteousness, after all surely God would grant him the same ability to stroll a crossed the water, and stated that he was in need of the portable commode. So, he gets out of the boat and sinks like a rock, swims back up to the boat and the other two help him back in. Refusing the offer to take him back to the bank, the young preacher hopped back out of the boat determined to perform the same miracle that the other two had, and again sank like a rock. While the other two were waiting for him to resurface, the elder preacher nudged the middle aged preacher and said: "think we ought to show him where the rocks are?" [Reply]
For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
because I am overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.
You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes. [Reply]
For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
because I am overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.
You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.
:-):-) ...and your sitting at your computer posting them, which means NO ONES WORKING! It must be a holiday.:-) [Reply]
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes.
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" Up she goes.
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!", exclaims the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting for me on the sixth floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. "Thank you ! for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!" [Reply]
