You keep jacking that thing off you’ll go blind.

Bend over and show Aunt Myrtle your worms.

This boy needs an enema, where’s the extra large adapter?
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Tough titty said the kitty but the milk’s still good.
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That one and, "Kids are meant to be seen not heard".

My grandpa always wanted me to go play in the street too....
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"Where's the beef?" — Your mom
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[xxxx sure is mad]

"Well [xxx] has got the same pants to get glad in."
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Mom would tell Dad "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine"


Kids Grandma would say "you can get glad in same pants you got mad in"
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Jinx, owe me a Coke.
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Anyone: You know what?

Dad: No, but I know his brother Who.
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Mom would always say she was "going to town" whenever she went anywhere to shop. She grew up in a small town that only had a general store, so they had to go to a neighboring slightly larger town in order to get anything.

Also, my grandma was very superstitious. My mom always says "my mom used to always say" before telling us whatever superstition we were breaking. I also know what it "means" whenever your palms, ears, eyes, or nose itch, or when you accidentally say someone's name...lol.
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Couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag.

Couldn't swing a dead cat without........

My favorite----"Why in the hell can't you leave well enough alone!"
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That's some funny shit.
My Dad just would not swear. He would make up swear words.

"That old Battle Axe"
"Ding Bing It"
"Now we are fudged"

He would grumble most of it. Reminds me of "The Christmas Story Dad"
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Coll-sarnit.
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"Ouch. That hurt."

FAX
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happy as a puppy with 2 peters
sec
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Wisdom from my parents and grandparents:
Well, shit little putty balls!
People in Hell want Ice Water
Pass the bub-bub, bub….
Christ on a Go Kart!
That’s a Hum-dinger!
Jeez Louise!
Hustle makes up for a multitude of sins
He don’t know whether to shit or wind his watch
He’s a dick with ears
Were you born in a barn?
He threw me Uncle Charlie!
She’s got a balcony you can do Shakespeare from!
I’ll slap the taste out of your mouth
He who dealt it smelt it!
Have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Great Googly Moogly!
He’s about as useless as balls on a Priest!
Shit or get off the pot
If you’re feeling froggy…leap!
Lord willing and the creek don’t rise
I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
You can’t have your cake and eat it too
Don’t let the door hit you where God split you!
How’d you like a knuckle sandwich?
I’d crawl through a mile of broken glass to hear her fart on a pay phone!
Must be jam cause jelly don’t shake like that!
She could make me write bad checks!
You don’t know shit from shinola!
He can't hit his ass with either hand
Jesus H Christmas!!!
You lie like a rug!
He’s lower than a snake’s belly
He’s got ants in his pants!
Shake it more than three times and you’re playin with it
You’re sharp as a tack.
You’re the cat’s pajamas!
You’re slower than molasses in January
Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining!
Don’t spit in the wind
He’s lucky as the day is long
Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
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