“Different strokes for different folks”

“Money can’t buy class”

“It’s not the putter, it’s the put-ter”
[Reply]

Whenever it rained but the sun was out my grandmother would say, “The devil’s beating his wife.”
[Reply]

Colder than a well diggers ass in January
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bucket
Life's a bitch, and then you die
Mind over matter, my mind and you don't matter
I'm going to knock you into next week
I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it

My grandfather, when referring to slow drivers, would call them Grandma, regardless of their gender. "Come on Grandma!" - He would also refer to women as brawds. Or dumb brawds
[Reply]

Oh for Pete's sake!

Goodness gracious me!

Go get a switch!
[Reply]

I often heard, "Go die in an AIDS tree fire"
[Reply]

Good Lord a willin’ and the creeks don’t rise
[Reply]

Worthless as tits on a tomcat

Tighter than bark on a tree (that refers to spending money, not ...)
[Reply]

“You’re full of beans and apple butter”... just another way to say you’re full of shit..
[Reply]

My Dad used to use this expression: "More (whatever) than you could shake a stick at."

He would apply it to almost any situation where there was more of something on hand than he wanted to deal with or think about. Could have been Japanese beetles on his tomato plants, could have been a group of school kids in a crosswalk.

My mom, if she was asked to do something while she was already busy (say, cooking or washing the dishes) would reply: "Sure, and stick a broom up my ass and I'll sweep the floor at the same time."

And my mother-in-law, when asked if she knew where a lost item could be found, would say this: "If it was up your ass you'd know it."
[Reply]

Touch that again and I’ll break your fucking hand.
[Reply]

Bet that cost a pretty penny.

He is nervous from the service.

Heavens to Betsy

Dont snap your cap

Believe I'll have hen fruit this morn
[Reply]

"You remind me of a killer asteroid."

"If wishes were dishes, I would hit you right between the eyes with an entire Rosenthal place setting then stab you in the temple with the silverware." (Heard that one quite a bit.)

"Damn Chinks put too much tofu in the soup again."

"Grab a shovel and help me dig a hole for the body."

FAX
[Reply]

wish in one shit in the other see which fills up first.
[Reply]

He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heal

He didn’t know whether to shit or fall back in it.

He’s tighter than a tick on a hound dog

From football coach:
He’s built like a Greek God with a motor up his ass

Screw around, screw around, pretty soon you won’t be around.
[Reply]