It just sucks. I have no life anymore. I CAN'T go do things - I wake up at 5AM to see if I have to drop a UA before work. I go to see my PO once a week before work. I work 9 hours a day. I go to court every other week at lunch. I go to groups Mondays and Fridays at lunch. I see my counselor on Wednesdays at lunch. I see a therapist on Thursdays at lunch. I get home, take my dog for a walk in the park most days. I go to NA meetings on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I do the homework for court and groups. I don't have any family. My girlfriend broke up with me. My life is just abject misery.

I hate myself. Period. Talking about it all day doesn't help. I wake up shaking with anxiety. My first thought each day is "kill yourself." My last thought each day is "kill yourself." Peppered with several similar thoughts throughout the day.

About to go to court right now...
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Then I really WOULD kill myself...
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Sounds like you need to commit yourself into a mental health facility.
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Impossible.
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Don't say it's impossible because you'll lose your job. If you don't get a handle on this, you'll likely lose more than that.
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Look into FMLA. It will protect your job.
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You could learn copeing skills and get on meds for depression.


Weve helped a lot of good people who made mistakes in life.
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Why is it impossible? The care you are seeking and receiving right now obviously isn't cutting the mustard. Your dog you can kennel for the time you're there. You'll come out healthier, wiser, and probably with a better plan of action on your continuing care. A few weeks away to focus on yourself and your needs will have you hopefully re-energized to get back into living life. I'm sure with proper arrangements through your therapist and the court it would do wonders for the next 10mos.

But seriously, why is it impossible?
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The consequences with the state will eventually be over with. Yes that part always sucks, but you're going to have to just soldier through that shit the same as everyone else who has to do that.

Iln the meantime, you need to stay in touch with your daughter as much as you possibly can because she's going to be the main reason that pulls you through having to do all of this shit.
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Because I'll lose all my property and won't have anywhere to live. I have to earn money. I can't even take a single day off.

I can't kennel my dog, I can't afford it, for starters. I have to pay rent so I can keep my apartment. Otherwise, I won't have anything left.

Fuck that noise.
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Yeah...it's been shit. I'm tired of fighting with my exwife When I was with my girlfriend, my exwife was cool.

Not anymore.
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Just reading through this thread. Depression is no easy thing to go through. No advice or judgment, I just wanted to let you know I’m pulling for you and I hope you get through this.
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I think it is safe to say that we are all pulling for you rabblerouser. It doesn't matter what team anyone roots for, or what side of the political aisle anyone lands on, whether you can run up a hill like a cheetah or run up a hill like a dork, we're all pulling for you, dude.

You matter.

Whether or not you believe that right now, know that there are a lot of folks here who believe it.

You matter.

It may not be easy, and it may not be pretty, but you can get through this. I know I am pulling for you.
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Thanks, man. I will totally get through this. I just get these crushing lows.

I had a heart to heart with one of my best friends tonight, and he had some really good things to say. On a few different levels. We made plans to catch a Chiefs game together this year...
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Rough day at work today...all my days are long and hard lately, but today has been horrible.

I hate not having a life. I used to have a good life.

I used to have awesome people in my life.
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