Play it cool. Relationships from college into real life don't exactly have a huge success rate.
I wouldn't put more into the "guy friend" thing than absolutely necessary. Date, live your life, etc. She may be clinging to the comfort zone of her old fling, but exploring her relationship with you. Or she may just be one of those girls that feeds off the extra attention of a guy in her hip pocket.
Maybe she displays a little jealousy when she sees you moving on. That's your opening to let her know that you'd rather it was her, but you have no choice but to get on with your life. [Reply]
I agree with Icarus. In the first place, despite what the young bucks out here think, it's actually a good thing to have friends, especially those of the female persuasion. It gives you insights into women, as well as a conduit to other women. Not to mention, it's simply good to have friends in general. If she's the only person you know in the city, even more so. And for your relationship with her specifically, in football parlance, "you can't make the club from the tub"; if you're not in her life in some way, you're "out of sight, out of mind". Haven't you see ANY romantic movie of the last 30 years? I think half of them involve people in the Friend Zone who, by the end of the film, turn it into something else. The older you get, the more you realize it's actually a beneficial idea to be friends with the person you fuck, and actually enjoy being around them all the time, not just when they're on their knees in front of you. It's kind of essential, actually. It's a lot easier to move from friends to lovers than it is to find some stranger to bang and then try to move from lovers to friends, IMO. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Canofbier:
Warning: long sob story incoming. It's super gay.
Some background story is needed before I get to the current day situation: last year, I met a girl at school and took a fancy to her right away. Aside from being very pretty and smart, she shares my sense of humor and has a killer smile. It's kind of difficult to put into words, but we would look one another directly in the eyes for extended periods of time without any discomfort. It felt like there was something there.
Unfortunately, I knew that she was already in a relationship with some guy, and furthermore, it was only a matter of months before everyone would graduate and go their separate ways to begin their careers. I didn't see her often, so it was easy enough to forget about it and focus on other women.
Fast forward a few months. By this point, I've nailed down my post-grad job, and I'll be in Minneapolis. I run into her at a bar with some friends, and when I tell her where I'm headed after graduation, she lights up; she's from that area, and will be living there too! We chat for a while more before we part ways with our respective groups of friends. I have my little fantasy for a couple days, but make myself get over it because of this mystery boyfriend of hers. I don't exactly fancy myself a homewrecker.
Finally, it's around the time of graduation. By this point, I've more or less gotten over this girl and had a couple unfulfilling flings in the process. Our school is hosting a gala to celebrate the graduating students, and at least a thousand are there. I end up running into this girl again. Her friends tell me she's a little out of sorts, because she and her boyfriend are breaking up. I try and conceal my schadenfreude, but things get better: she comes back, and asks me to go out with the lot of them, and without this boyfriend of hers. We talk the night away, having a wonderful time, and the event ends with a promise that we'll meet again once we've both made it to Minneapolis.
The summer goes by with some basic communication between the two of us, and I finally get into the city one week ago. She invites me to a barbeque that some new friends of hers are hosting, and suggests that we meet up beforehand as well. We end up grabbing a nice lunch together and taking a long walk around a lake before heading to the BBQ, where we also had a very nice time. After the group heads to a bar, she says she's tired and wants to leave, but before she heads home she wants to charge her phone back at my place for a bit. (It's worth mentioning that she's hardly moved into her new place at all, and it's plausible that she doesn't yet have a charger there).
As much as I've enjoyed our day together, I'm not 100% sure of the tone of our "date". We talked for a while longer at my place as her phone charged, and as she was leaving I figure I might as well straight-up ask her out, feeling pretty good about my chances. She acknowledges the uncertainty from our day together, but bad news: she's begun dating the guy from college again. Of course, she wants to continue spending time with me (says I'm "really cool", blah blah), and having successfully been in this situation before, agree to it. After all, I had a good time on our reasonably platonic day together, and see no reason why we shouldn't do it again sometime.
She goes home, and I get in bed to go to sleep. Only problem is, I realize before long that what I just agreed to isn't going to happen. The girls I've been friends with after rejection weren't anything like her, and every moment I spend with her in the future is going to involve me waiting for her to have some sort of crystallizing realization that may never come. I finally get out of bed two hours later and came here to write this whole goddamn thing out.
I'm split as to what to do. I'm generally not naive enough to miss when a girl is trying to string me along, but typing this entire pathetic story out has made it really seem like it's going to be the case. The usual cure for this kind of situation is to simply cut off any relationship to the person, but I'm reluctant to do it for two reasons: 1) Honest to god, I don't think I've ever gotten so worked up about someone who I never even dated to begin with, and I'm reluctant to simply let it go. 2) She's close to my only friend in the city, and to cut ties with her would make things lonely very fast. A strong part of me wants to go all-in and see what happens (that is, tell her how I feel and see if perhaps she can be moved), although failing at that could be pretty disastrous emotionally. For those of you who actually made it through this whole thing, what do you suggest?
Originally Posted by lcarus:
I say just play it cool. Be nice and courteous, but don't ever initiate a "friend" date. Let her contact you. Try to stay away from the friend dates and conversations whenever possible though. Just try to wait it out. Don't let it stop you from meeting new girls.
This. You're not her boyfriend so don't do anything that a boyfriend would do when you're not getting the benefits that a boyfriend would get. [Reply]
Originally Posted by JD10367:
I agree with Icarus. In the first place, despite what the young bucks out here think, it's actually a good thing to have friends, especially those of the female persuasion. It gives you insights into women, as well as a conduit to other women. Not to mention, it's simply good to have friends in general. If she's the only person you know in the city, even more so. And for your relationship with her specifically, in football parlance, "you can't make the club from the tub"; if you're not in her life in some way, you're "out of sight, out of mind". Haven't you see ANY romantic movie of the last 30 years? I think half of them involve people in the Friend Zone who, by the end of the film, turn it into something else. The older you get, the more you realize it's actually a beneficial idea to be friends with the person you ****, and actually enjoy being around them all the time, not just when they're on their knees in front of you. It's kind of essential, actually. It's a lot easier to move from friends to lovers than it is to find some stranger to bang and then try to move from lovers to friends, IMO.
Life is not a movie. At some point, a non-platonic relationship (it's not platonic if one person has feelings they have to hide) becomes unhealthy.
I say don't be a door mat. Don't be readily available every time she calls. Do what you can to make new friends and date people. If something's meant to happen, it will. And, no, do no initiate contact...ever. [Reply]
sounds like this girl might be keeping you on the wayside just in case type of deal.
nothing wrong with being cordial (nice guys do indeed finish last, some of us know this from experience). and there's nothing wrong with being friends.
but let's all just remember, the devil is a woman. FACT!!!
Originally Posted by Canofbier:
Thanks for the advice, all. I'm feeling a bit more clear-headed this morning, and things ain't so bad after all.
Never ever let it get you down. I've been there - feeling depressed over a girl that just wanted to be friends. Looking back on it now, I feel silly about it. And I still havent met anyone new really. But she didnt care for me in that way, I shouldnt have either. Watch some Seinfeld or something like that. Trust me you will feel a lot better [Reply]
Originally Posted by Hillbilly Jim:
i'm no expert (by a long ways).
sounds like this girl might be keeping you on the wayside just in case type of deal.
nothing wrong with being cordial (nice guys do indeed finish last, some of us know this from experience). and there's nothing wrong with being friends.
but let's all just remember, the devil is a woman. FACT!!!