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Washington DC and The Holy Land>Vice : Dear Straight Guys, It's Time to Start Putting Things In Your Butt
WhiteWhale 03:03 PM 04-15-2019
Just in case you guys wonder why the clown world meme is now a thing, I bring you this gem from Vice.

Originally Posted by :
Everyone loves orgasms, right? If we didn't, we wouldn't go to ridiculous lengths to achieve them like pirating porn alone or going through the exhausting process of romancing a special someone just so we can have one in the company of another human.

Well, what if I told all of you straight guys out there that there is a secret orgasm that you don't even know about, and it's much better than relieving yourself into a wad of Kleenex while your computer burns your bare thighs? This is an orgasm so good that it will make your whole body shake, every inch of your skin tingle, and your voice erupt with spontaneous screams like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. There's only one catch: To achieve this orgasm, you have to put things up your butt.

Yes, it's true. This kind of orgasm—which lasts longer and is far more intense than a penile one—only comes from massaging the prostate. The most efficient way to get there, as anyone over the age of 35 knows from going to the doctor, is through your poop chute. The prostate is a small, walnut-sized organ between the end of the penis (the part that's inside your body, not the end of your exterior shaft) and the bladder. When a guy blows his load, a big part of that load is fluid from the prostate to help the sperm swim toward an egg, though in most cases it just lies on your stomach and turns into a sticky mess.

The best way to find your prostate is to stick a finger up your butthole. Short fingernails, clean hands, and some lube are essential. Once you're inside, try to touch the underside of your belly button, and you should feel something like a golf ball. That's it. You're gonna want to diddle that P-spot just like you would a nice wet clit, and you'll really start to feel something amazing. If you're playing with yourself at the same time, you might cum before achieving the full prostate orgasm; however, it will probably be a better orgasm than usual. If you want the full experience, try giving your shaft the day off and see what you can do without it.

Also—and this sounds kind of like something from a new age self-help book—you want to focus on the feeling inside of you. Too many people get caught up thinking about the butthole or the fingers. Don't spend all your attention there; you want to find the ticklish parts in the deep inner reaches of your body (and maybe your soul).

I know you have two big worries right now: poop and gay stuff.
Fingers are of course just God's butt plugs, and there are all sorts of other things you can stick up your ass that will make it feel amazing. (However food and other household items will end up giving you the worst ER visit of your life, so stick to things that are meant to be put up there.) Butt plugs are the obvious choice, but use something skinny to start with. The folks at the Sweethome did a ton of research about which toys are the best, and I fully recommend their picks, especially for beginners.

There is one line of toys by Aneros meant specifically to get at just the right spot. They're a little pricey and take a bit to figure out how to use, but practice makes perfect, and once you get over the idea of putting something in your butt, you won't mind the practice.

The other great thing about butt plugs is you can pop one in when laying some pipe in a nice lady and double your pleasure. And if you really want to get into some group butt play, getting a lady to strap one on for a pegging session might be just what you need. It worked on Broad City. Just make sure her pleasure is as taken care of as your own. Even when receiving, you still need to give.

I know you have two big worries right now: poop and gay stuff. Poop shouldn't be a problem so long as you have a healthy diet and you don't have a big loaf of ass ham ready to come out of the oven. If putting your fingers up there really grosses you out, wrap your digits in a condom or use a rubber glove, but as long as you don't subsist on a diet of Taco Bell and Fritos, you're probably fine. If you're super, super grossed out, give yourself a Fleet enema and wash it out down there. Otherwise just cleaning the surface in the shower should suffice.

As for gay stuff, there is nothing about taking it up the butt that makes you gay. Prostate stimulation is just one awesome thing gay dudes figured out way before straight people, like boxer briefs and brunch. You're down with both of those, right? None of the toys recommended above look like dicks anyway, so if someone stumbles upon one next to your bed they won't even know it's been in your butt. You play with yourself anyway, so what's the big deal about going in through the back door?

Look, let's be honest, this is all about opening up a whole new world of pleasure and cumming your face off. If there's something gay about that, then download the full season of RuPaul's Drag Race and just go with it.

[Reply]
Bugeater 05:14 PM 04-15-2019
WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN
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GloucesterChief 07:17 PM 04-15-2019
Vice goes to North Korea was an awesome piece of reporting. At first they were pretty libertarian but had a somewhat left lean.

It is sad to see how far they have fallen.
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ROYC75 07:45 PM 04-15-2019
Originally Posted by NinerDoug:
Yeah. You know, I get mine checked once a year, and it's pretty much the polar opposite of pleasure. So I'm gonna pass on this one.
LIKE HOLY HELL I'm with you on this one, once a year has very unpleasant results.
[Reply]
listopencil 07:49 PM 04-15-2019
Originally Posted by ROYC75:
LIKE HOLY HELL I'm with you on this one, once a year has very unpleasant results.



That's because you're fighting it. Just lay back and think of England.
[Reply]
Bump 08:03 PM 04-15-2019
anytime someone links vice for their "source" of Orange Man Bad, I'm linking this article lol.
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ROYC75 08:06 PM 04-15-2019
Originally Posted by listopencil:
That's because you're fighting it. Just lay back and think of England.
:-) :-) :-)

Is there more yur not telling us on a personal level? :-)
[Reply]
Bowser 08:12 PM 04-15-2019
Originally Posted by Easy 6:
Moooooon river/Fletch
"You ever serve time, Doc?"

"Breathe easy....."
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WhiteWhale 08:20 PM 04-15-2019
Originally Posted by listopencil:
That's because you're fighting it. Just lay back and think of England.
That's a rape joke!


[Reply]
T-post Tom 04:13 AM 04-16-2019
Prostate massage was old news even before this was published in 2016. I guess uptight, naive straight guys need all the condescending advice they can get. :-)
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GloryDayz 06:40 AM 04-16-2019
Tom Brady things!
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ClevelandBronco 07:09 AM 04-16-2019
I’ve never told anyone this.

Just one time, back in college, a leftist friend of mine pulled his head quickly out of his ass and I experienced an ideological orgasm.

Our secret, okay?
[Reply]
Hoopsdoc 07:23 AM 04-16-2019
Originally Posted by listopencil:
Well, shit. I'm out.
:-)

Me too.
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Titty Meat 07:27 AM 04-16-2019
Getting a bj with a finger in your ass feels good
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kjwood75nro 07:30 AM 04-16-2019
Do they expect us to believe that their motivation is genuine concern about the orgasm quality of total strangers?

Over/under on how long until aversion to butt stuff is considered a microaggression or bigotry?
[Reply]
Randallflagg 07:57 AM 04-16-2019
Originally Posted by listopencil:
That's because you're fighting it. Just lay back and think of England.

:-) :-) :-)


Thankfully, at my age, the Doc only has me doing that every 5 years now.....


:-) England......
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