Is the pain in your heart or your head?
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For some reason I read his post and your response as occurring on 5/1 instead of 9/1...2019! I’ve interacted with him on the board several times since then and it’s been business as usual. Doesn’t change the point of my response to him but it does in my response to you. You could’ve called me the worst names in the book 8 months ago and I would’ve long since not GAF, so we good. Hope you keep on keepin on and hanging in there.
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I'm sending Billay over for a visit.
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Its more about changing your routine somehow. It could just be a new haircut. Main point is changing something up to get out of the old mindset.
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LOL!
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Depression sucks, brother. I know firsthand.

The best advice I can give you is to realize that there is no shame in getting medication for it, if that's the route you need to take. Sometimes the chemistry in your brain is off, and fixing it might require meds. Talk to a professional about it.

There is no shame in taking medication for other issues (high blood pressure, etc.) Mental health is the same way. Our society tends to frown on those who struggle with mental health issues, but it's no different than having some other sort of health issue.

Talk to a professional. It could really change things for you.
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Interesting.
One thing to keep in mind is that all of us feel down and depressed at certain points in our lives. So it should be encouraging to know that you are not alone. Half the staff at my job take depression medicine on a daily basis. Medicine helps so take it when you need to. Being out with nature and breathing that fresh oxygen is a big help. I don't have depression but I do feel down and uninspired at times. It passes though after a good night sleep. So make sure you get the necessary rest. Drink lots of water. Listen to podcasts. Mix it with some music. I enjoy hawaiian music. It really calms me down.
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This is either a really sophisticated bot or... Idk
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Aaaaaaaaaaaand now we spiral and crash.

Fuck this.
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My wife is a licensed therapist. I told her to read this and this is what she has to say:

-You need to forgive yourself for everything that happened. Your daughter, your ex, anything else that you’re beating yourself up for.
-Realize that everything you did was in the past. When you start to dwell on them, stop and understand that you can’t change the past. What’s done is done. You’re letting your past dictate your present and future.
-Control what you can control. Try to stop worrying about things you can’t bc it will only hurt you.
-Do little things that build your esteem. Make your bed every day, cook a meal, go for a walk. Anything. Do something that makes you feel good.
-You didn’t clarify this, but if you do ever get to see your daughter, then when you see your daughter put your phone down unless it’s to take pictures. Use that time you truly connect with her. You’ll be thank each other for that years from now.
-Understand that life isn’t over. This is a very difficult thing to accomplish, but you should try to be thankful and grateful for even the smallest simplest things in life. Clean water, a roof over your head. I know it sounds trivial but it will help your mind rethink things.

Finally, go see a therapist if you haven’t already. Everybody needs someone they can talk to in a secure environment where you can be vulnerable. Cost is not an issue. If it is go to a local university or practice and ask them them if you can get scheduled with an intern. At her practice and the local university, it’s $15-30 per session. That’s affordable and money well spent.

Best of luck
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Well, that was 4 years ago. We're now post-covid...I do see my daughter. She's awesome, and that's probably the best relationship I have in my life. Easily the least complicated. She'll be 14 this year, and she's into boys and music that I don't understand...which is about on schedule, I assume.

I still love Brittney, but that's over. Probably in love with the one I call "Funbags" on here...but we'll never admit to each other that's the case...so that's probably over. And that's probably for the best. I'm working full-time and a full-time student and in 2 bands...so I'm usually too busy to get too caught up in the depression part of things...a lot of anger over the past 2 years, still over shit I can't change. And I have to forgive some others, AND myself. Which is easy to SAY...and easy to KNOW...but hard to implement. To put into action. I've worked on being mindful, in the moment...not getting caught up in the past, not worried about the future...but again, cognitively, I know this. I understand also, emotions are fleeting and sometimes not 100% rational. This situation is fluid, not static...this too shall pass.

But there's a lot of anger built up over what's happened over the past 2 years. And while "fault" and "blame" are weird words to use...I feel like I kind of got shafted. Got fleeced. And that seems to be the general consensus. Even amongst all involved. But that doesn't change a fucking thing.

My anxiety is through the roof. I have PTSD from all of this on top of the C-PTSD I already had from childhood. I am probably clinically depressed. Or maybe bi-polar, with the manic/spiral/crash cycles...but with that kind of co-morbidity (and let's be honest, dual-diagnosis, probably...but I don't know if I'm an addict or just drug dependent), who cares? I just need to get therapy. And cost isn't the issue right now - it's the time. I've actually talked to someone at Compass and all I have to so is schedule an assessment...but I'm tired, and like anyone, ultimately just want to go home and go to bed
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I'd say take something up that's physically taxing to drain some anger but you've got a pretty fucking full plate already. Not necessarily a bad thing to have something to force you up and out of bed though. Seems like you're doing better than you were in 2018
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I am, totally better than 2018. But...not great. Was better in summer 2020.

Funbags fucking wrecked my shit, not gonna lie. Stupid to let a girl in 20s do some shit like that, but...it ain't the same out here, either.

I've been going to Hot Yoga a couple times a week. Looking good, feeling...okay. Also looking like I'm going to have to quit drinking alcohol, maybe permanently. So...yeah...
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This gets me a lot. Even though my kids are adults when they were young my wife kidnapped them to Ohio with this jackass she met online. Lot of things happened to me as a child and in my adult years and past creeps up worst times when I'm stressed. Nightmares & alcohol and I've been called bi-polar but never diagnosed, I have been diagnosed with severe depression and Suicide Ideology with several attempts including 3 since August 2021. Shame comes with depression and after the fact shame doesn't go away. Therapist is having me do a time line of my life and it brings shit up when I was little till I was shot at July 30 about 4:50am getting away from my GF over zealous husband.

It's not that I hate life I love my kids and family and GF and fishing and my favorite football team the Kansas City Chiefs may have heard of them idk.
I hate myself for no reason or reasons I don't understand but I tend to cycle and overdose and wake up in the hospital because someone calls the cops to check on me. People have it worse than me and I work with patients that are stuck in the mental hospital till they die. I'm afraid of ending up like that.

I probably shared too much but this is also therapeutic for me and if it helps a friend out or anyone then I'm glad to share.
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Y’all a bunch of crazy MFers.
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