Saying he sleepwalks through life until the next opportunity arises to savor tangy, slow-cooked meats, sources confirmed Tuesday local man Evan Demers spends his days occasionally eating barbecue in between doing things he hates.
“He works really long hours at a job he despises, constantly complains about his family, and doesn’t even seem to enjoy being around his friends—to be honest, the only time I’ve seen him satisfied is when there happens to be a slab of short ribs or a pulled pork sandwich in front of him,” longtime Demers acquaintance Russ Perkins said of the man who reportedly exists in a state of continuous irritability that is only interrupted at random intervals when, for a brief period, he is actively biting or chewing such food items as brisket, smoked chicken, baked beans, or cornbread.
“You can tell he’s just going through the motions of life and is pretty miserable. He did seem to snap out of it a little when that new barbecue place opened near his house a couple years back. It closed after a few months, though.”
At press time, reports stated that Demers was staring at an empty plate, licking the remnants of a vinegar-based sauce from his thumb, and trying to summon enough motivation to load the dishwasher.
The fact that an onion article about BBQ caused a fight, IRL threats, and someone leaving forever...is what makes CP simultaneously the worst place and best place. [Reply]
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Originally Posted by RollChiefsRoll:
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
