Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.
Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. [Reply]
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
Nooooooooo Waaayyyyyyyyy, does she REALLY think that looks good??? thought the pic would come up with that. [Reply]
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible"
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." [Reply]
Originally Posted by Frankie:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible"
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a
shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next
pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time
he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and
sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the
dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at
the Post Office." [Reply]
Two guys apply for a creative marketing position and are told they need to quickly deliver a poem with the word “Timbuktu” to see who is better at spontaneous creativity.
The first guy walks into the personnel director’s office and says,
Across the burning blazing sand
Marched the merchants caravan
Camels marching two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The second guy marches in and delivers. Says, “Here it is sir, true story even.”
A hunting Tim and I went
We came across three whores in a tent
Them being three, and us being two
I bucked one and Tim buck’d two [Reply]
DENVER, (CO)-Denver Bronco football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Mike Shanahan immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to Bronco players was the GOAL LINE.
Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. [Reply]
This guy dies and goes to hell. he's wandering around totally bummed when he runs into a demon
demon: Whats wrong?
dead guy: I'm in hell, this sucks.
demon: Oh dude, hell is awesome. We are throwing a party over in fire pit
86. Come with me.
So the demon and the dead guy go to this party and when they get there the dead guy notices a stage with instruments. All of the sudden joh bonham (led Zeppelin) gets on drums and start doing solos.
Dead guy: Oh dude, this is cool
Then Jimi hendrix gets on stage and starts jamming on the guitar
dead guy: Oh my god, I love this.
Then John Enwhistle (the Who) grabs the bass and starts strumming.
dead guy: Dude, this is so cool. hell aint so bad after all.
Just then karen Carpenter steps up on stage...... [Reply]
Originally Posted by SNAFU:
Good as place as any to break my cherry.
Two guys apply for a creative marketing position and are told they need to quickly deliver a poem with the word “Timbuktu” to see who is better at spontaneous creativity.
The first guy walks into the personnel director’s office and says,
Across the burning blazing sand
Marched the merchants caravan
Camels marching two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The second guy marches in and delivers. Says, “Here it is sir, true story even.”
A hunting Tim and I went
We came across three whores in a tent
Them being three, and us being two
I bucked one and Tim buck’d two
Thats cool. Now move on to your next post. :-) [Reply]
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." [Reply]
