It's 100% real. I even have pics of myself on bourbon street. Go fuck yourself.
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People have died in that forest in the situation I was in.

I still think I was lucky.
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Went to watch the Chiefs play the Pats in Foxborough in 2018 and every person there was a fucking douchebag.
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Couple good stories thus far…. And it’s the offseason, be verbose! Tell your tale!

Here’s one of mine.

Back in 2003, I was on tour with my band. We played at some festival in Cookeville, TN.
We had arrangements to sleep and chill that night at one of the organizers. The night was ending, and we had our gear packed, as me and Andrew started talking with the dude who was gonna put us up for the night.

This guy…. Holy cow…. He was talking about music and then he’d get off on a tangent and just started casually “n bombing this”, spear chucker that, etc…. It was weird and uncomfortable.

Had a quick consultation with the band mates, and we quickly decided we didn’t wanna hang with this dude. Understand, we don’t have much money, and sleeping on sofas was how we got by. But we “non-chalantly” got out of that situation. “Thanks, we’re gonna get a few miles ahead towards the next gig”

We head out, and I’m driving. It’s about 11pm, and our van doesn’t have much gas. Shit. I fucked that up. Should’ve filled up before leaving that town.

So we’re motoring towards Nashville, and we’re about out of gas. Bandmates are sleeping, and there’s an exit, Carthage, TN, a Comfort Inn and I fill up the tank with a a sigh of relief, and say fuck it, Comfort Inn right here, let’s get a room and sleep.

So I check in and my sleepy gang head up to our room. Card key isn’t working. I go back down to the “lobby”, and go back up to the room…. Again, no dice. I let Andrew Charlie, everyone gets their chance at the card key…

And then the curtains open up from inside the room, and there’s a dude wearing black skivvies, shaved head, horseshoe mustache and a gun pointed straight at me with the red laser pointer.

I see this as Charlie is fumbling with the card key. Only words out of my mouth: WINDOW! GUN!

Everyone walks away…

I go back down to the hotel lobby, and the attendant is totally distraught…. “I’m so sorry, I gave you the wrong room number…. This man was calling down, he thought someone was trying to get into his room…. Can I get you a new room, I’m so sorry!!!”

Nope. I’m so high on adrenaline, we’re going to Nashville, thanks for the refund. And apparently while I was with the hotel clerk, the black underwear mustache man came outside and apologized…. “Shit man, I thought someone was trying to break into my roooom.”

We all get back into the van, and Charlie is laughing uncontrollably…. I play “dad” and we’re going to Nashville! It’s only midnight-ish, and we’ll be there in an hour. We arrive in Nashville, and none of us know a damn thing about Nashville, so I pull into some damn place. Hotel. Seems fine.

I tell the clerk our tale of woe. And he was middle eastern, Indian, I dunno…. He just keeps saying “oh shit man, oh shit man…”

Got the suite at the hotel for about 80 bucks, dude fed us but my bandmates saw the Waffle House a block away…

Twenty minutes later, some whorehouse adjacent to the Waffle House got raided…. I remember looking out on the balcony as all these whores ran into the street…

Maybe 30 minutes later, my bandmates came back up to the room after their Waffle House food…

“You see that Tom?”

Yeah, I did. Let’s get some sleep before every nerve in my body is shot.
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I decided I was going to see the world. So I drove 7 hours to Phoenix and found Chiefs Planet.
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In 1995 while in a shitty communist run hotel in a backwards ass town in China, the PLA came into my room at around 2 am fully armed to see if they could catch me with a women and shake me down for money.

I woke up screaming at these two young guys with guns to get the fuck out in English.

They played dumb, said "sorry, sorry, sorry" and left.

I had been warned many times about this scam.

I have another 10-12 crazy travel stories. A few more from China, others from all over the World.

Crazy seeks me out........
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I have witnessed several travel related miracles recently. All involve folks entering a southwest flight in a wheelchair and through what must be tantamount to purifying themselves in the waters of lake minnetonka, they walk right off the plane once we have arrived at the gate. I am not a spiritual man, but something unexplainable is in the air!!
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Flew into the middle of nowhere with a couple buddies for what we thought would be several days of silence. We weighed everything twice because we were pushing the limits of the plane and then loaded up. At the last second this cute native girl walks up in front of us and climbs the steps to get in. She wasn't wearing anything under her denim skirt and I'm 90% sure she did it on purpose, we just didn't know what was ahead.

As the plane starts moving it becomes obvious the damn thing is struggling to even get up to speed and off the water. Her 110lbs obviously wasn't figured into the capacity on the tin can we were sitting in. It was by far the worst bush plane ride I've ever been on and I wasn't even the one sitting in the tail. We flew over Canadian wilderness for what seemed like forever with non stop free elevator rides that had the pilot's knuckles turning white. He turned around several times and said something, but none of us could hear him over the engine and rattling. I was sure we were all going to die before we finally got to the lake where he put it down so hard water hit the windshield.

We figured we'd settle in for the night only to realize the only other cabin on the island was housing a bunch of girls who looked like clones of the one who flew in with us. We couldn't even make out the words in the music they were playing, but it didn't matter. It was drunken paradise with absolutely no sleep mixed with a few pictures of fish until the plane ride back out. The guy in the tail ended up partially puking out the side window of the plane on the way back and it set off a chain reaction with a buddy and a native girl who caught a ride out.

We all needed a vacation to recover from our vacation when we got back home. I was given this polar bear looking figure that's made out of blue/green rocks they apparently find on shores way up north and somehow carve into bear like figures. It has initials carved into the bottom of one of its paws, I kind of wish it was her phone number.
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But CP wasn't. :-)
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Am I to believe you wish I was dead?
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Sitting in the isle seat in coach while the rest of the passengers were boarding a long ass flight to Alaska and some person sitting directly behind did something to get escorted off the plane. I have no idea what he did. But the air marshal (assuming air marshal) approached me and said "get up". I took out my earbuds and replied "excuse me?" then the stewardess came up behind the air marshal and let him know it wasn't me but the guy behind me.

That was the entire incident for me, an "get up" and "excuse me" which lasted about all of three seconds. Both of them came up and apologized before take off and upgraded me to first class.

Worth every 3 seconds my inconvenience.
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How the hell would they know whether you had your air conditioner on or not?
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Obviously, I was being serious. :-)
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Took some chick to Branson, MO once and bought her and her cuck BF an Snow Cone and a Corn dog.

She was aight, a solid 6/10 and insisted we bring her cuck BF. Some sort of Special Ed volunteer program for hte needy or some shit, i don't remember.

Anyway, i smashed this chick in the back seat of an ugly ass Murano and all it cost me was some shaved ice and some time playing big bro with some handicap kid.
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You should have taught that kid how to shut his dog up.
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